cherish.

(where I want to be)

Right now I am sitting at Starbucks. Alone. in an overstuffed comfy chair. Just me, my coffee, and my laptop. with nothing to do but enjoy. I have an hour before I have to pick up Aiden and whisk him off for a good hour plus drive for an AV appointment. I can't remember the last time I was in this type of situation. peace.and.quiet.

As I drove here my mind was calm, not racing like it usually is. I remembered back to when I was young, when I was constantly trying to define what kind of person I wanted to be, what career I'd hold, how successful I could possibly become, working for a big corporation downtown Dallas, if I worked hard at it. what my future looked like.

and I smiled ... or more like smirked ... and laughed at myself.

Because today, in my (later) thirties, I am finally reaching the point where I feel comfortable with me and where I'm at. I've learned that the person I am wasn't going to be predefined in my young twenties, but defined through life experiences and lessons learned along the way. I've learned that success isn't defined in how far up the corporate ladder you climb or dollar signs (although nice). I'm comfortable with my foundation, I'm peaceful, and

I LOVE my life.

Am I where I thought I'd be in my 20's? Hell no. In my 20's I was pure career. Finance major from a big 10 University on my way to becoming a successful business woman. I loved being married. Motherhood - definitely, stay at home mom - never.

and what does my resume look like today?

stay at home mom, soccer mom, speech therapist, cook, house maid, taxi driver, vet, nurse, psychologist (remember, the best therapy is free), moderator, wife, mother, daughter, sister, sister-in-law ... and the list goes on.

and (most days), I absolutely love it.

Today I got teary eyed. Teary eyed as I thought about who I've become and the family I have. I wouldn't change my current resume for the world. Nothing.Nada.Nilch.

I count my blessings every.single.day.

Believe me, there are still days I search for ways to get our from under it all and find ME again. There's definitely stress in my life. It happens. The important thing though is knowing my alone time is just as important as my family time and not to forget about me.

and that's exactly why I'm sitting here at Starbucks, alone, just me, my coffee, and this comfy chair.

cherishing the moment.

cherishing my life.

Quiet Time

This morning,

Aiden and I walked his sister to her second day of third grade.

Then came home and drove his brother to his first day of eighth grade.

When we returned home,

we played baby,

and read a couple books.

We practiced the Lings,

and just lounged around a bit.

It's my second school year as a stay at home mom.

I miss my job, my friends, and meeting new students,

but I am enjoying my children,

like I never have before.

I feel blessed,

and am very thankful.

Aiden is taking his morning nap.

Floors are swept, laundry is done.

House could be vacuumed,

and I should start planning dinner.
Nah.

The house is completely silent.

It's been a busy, yet very fun summer.

So I think I'll just enjoy these first moments,

by myself,

doing what I want to do,

engulfed in silence.

Shout Out to a Dear Friend

There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of my father. Not a day. They're mostly good days, when I smile about fond memories, but some of them are just down right yucky and all I want to do is sit in a corner and cry type of days. This morning I was doing the laundry, Aiden was down for a nap, and for some odd reason I just started thinking about how almost two years ago I had to make one of the hardest decisions of my lifetime ... to take my dad from his home and admit him into assisted living. It was the last thing I ever wanted to do, but he was to the point where I had no choice. We tried to have him live with us many times, we tried the full time nurse at his house, we tried and tried and tried to do what was needed to keep him living a normal of a life as possible. But the time had come ... and I hated every.single.minute of it and still do to this day.

That was October 10th, 2007. By January he had spent time in two different hospitals and three different nursing homes before we found the right one for him ... but by then it was too late. He had given up and he was dwindling away in front of my eyes. I felt so alone ... and SO guilty. How could I have let this happen to him?!? I spent one last night alone with my father, before my mother and brothers arrived from out of state. I was 8 months pregnant, and just held his hand all night long, praying and crying. praying and crying. He passed away less than 48 hours later.

That's all I could think about this morning .... and the guilt set in again. But within folding a few towels, my thoughts veered to why God gave me Aiden. It was right then that I realized that I was blessed with this deaf little boy to focus on the good and the positives and the rewards life has to offer. He gave me my sweet little boy to help me let go of that guilt, to realize life is too short to constantly wonder "what if", and most importantly, to help me let go of what my father endured and to focus on this miraculous journey my own child was about to endure. He prepared me for Aiden through my father, and with heartache comes great joy ... and Aiden is his grandpa through and through.

Right after, literally within seconds, of my crying episode and heart enlightening episode in the laundry room, I went to check my email and found this from a dear friend of mine with whom I taught back in Texas. It had JUST BEEN SENT.

"Hi Tammy,
I am so thrilled to hear that Aiden was accepted into the school of your choice with financial aid no less. Every time I check your blog and read of something so extraordinary, I can only thank God for giving you a strong character and the determination and tenacity to do everything you can for your little man. Bless your heart. I don't know why God allowed Aiden to be deaf, but I am so thankful He chose you to be his mom. You are a blessing girlfriend. I am so proud of you."

I was in tears. Sharon has always been there for me with a hug, with a positive message, with hope and belief. She is one of a few people who truly helped me stop questioning God, but to believe in Him. She always had a hug, a prayer, words of encouragement, or even agreeing with me that yes, sometimes life sucks. She has always followed Aiden's blog and has been one of my biggest supporters. She is always in the right place at the right time ... even if I'm in Maryland and she in Texas!

I emailed her back immediately explaining my episode and how her message, once again, was sent just at the right time. This is part of an email I received back:

"Tammy, I always feel so blessed when I listen to the prompting of the Holy Spirit to do something and today it was writing to you. You are a blessing to me and so many others, and I hope you never forget that. And you were certainly a blessing to your dad - no one doubts that or just how much you loved him. But with all of that, you could not change his destiny. I know the pain I had in losing my parents most especially my mom."

So here's a shout out to you my dear friend ... THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. Your words mean so much to me and I couldn't have received a better message at a better time! I am truly blessed to have you in my life!

and cheers to my dad ... an amazing son, husband, father and grandfather. We miss you so much and will never ever forget you! You'd laugh out loud at the fact that Aiden is just as stubborn as you and has that smile and blue eyes of yours that wins everyone over each and every time!

Just Another Reminder

Tomorrow we leave for Daytona, Florida for a week. I can't tell you how excited I have been all day, yet tonight I feel some kinda sadness inside of me ... sorta like that feeling where all you want to do is have a good cry, get it out, and feel great again. I don't know if it's Aiden, my dad (I've really been having a hard time with his loss lately) or about this precious baby I rec'd an email about tonight.

When I say Aiden, it's not in a "woe is me" kind of way. He does not make me sad. His hearing loss no longer makes me sad. I hate that he has to go through so much, but I wouldn't change anything about him. He is wonderful, happy, loving, just absolutely amazing! And he makes me feel all of these as well! In fact the other day I was thinking about how I felt in the beginning of this journey. How I cried, how I thought my world was crumbling down around me. Oh how I prayed and prayed and prayed for a miracle. I prayed that God would give Aiden the miracle to hear. The other day I realized God has already given me my miracle ... my binky boy, my Aiden. And the wonderful technology that is out there today will LET AIDEN HEAR! What more could I ask for? What do I have to be sad about? It's all going to be just fine. Aiden's going to be just fine. I just know it.

Then I saw this email tonight on this precious little boy, Eliot. I cried. I cried for his parents and I cried for his short life. As I cried I couldn't even look at my baby because I knew I would totally lose it! All I could think was HOW LUCKY AM I?!?! Aiden has a loss, his hearing, but not even close as what other children's loss may be, not even close what other parents have to go through. This is a journey, and I'm not saying it's an easy one, but it's a GREAT one, because in the long run, AIDEN WILL HEAR, and if, for some forbidden reason Aiden can't hear, AIDEN WILL SIGN, and AIDEN WILL BE OKAY! I think, as I type this, this is why I feel a loss in my heart tonight. It's for all the brave parents out there who have to endure so much more than I could ever even imagine. I will never forget Eliot. Even though I don't know his parents, I have to thank them for sharing their beautiful story about their beautiful boy. Thank you for providing me even more courage to continue on Our Journey to let Aiden hear.