Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Step by Step, Day by Day

Yesterday I wrote about how our journey started. What I didn't touch a lot on was how I've been feeling, or want to feel or confusion about HOW TO FEEL. Isn't that weird ... questioning myself HOW I should feel?! But I did, I still do, ... day in and day out.

The first day the audiologist told us Aiden's hearing loss was permanent, that he was deaf, I cried and on the way out of the office I felt guilty crying, because other than Aiden's ears, he was a healthy 6 week old baby. I told myself I had to make this alright in my mind, I had to be strong - for Aiden, for Ryan & Kailyn, for my husband, for everyone I was going to have to tell "my son is deaf." And I held a lot of it in. When I got home that day I went grocery shopping and on the way home I got stopped behind a bus and there waiting by the bus was a mom. They wheeled a boy off the bus in a wheelchair, his head strapped to the back, his hands strapped down, and very well seen that he had a lot of challenges. Isn't it wierd the way God talks to us! Then I went home knowing we were so lucky it's just Aiden's ears, that he will be able to function in our world, yet inside I still just wanted to break down and cry. I talked to my mom and sister-in-law Tus that night and told them the news about Aiden's ears. I cried a bit, but again found myself protecting them and wanting them to believe I was OK when I wasn't. I wanted so bad for my mom to be there and hold me, cry with me, and tell me everything was going to be okay. I wanted so bad for Tus to come over and have a drink with me and let me cry my eyes out and agree with me how bad this all sucks! Because it does ... it just sucks!

The next day I jumped on the internet and started reading parent posts and saw a lot of parents felt the same way I did ... I read these and realized it is SO okay to feel sad and mad and scared and ask why and all those crazy mixed feelings that hit you like a ton of bricks! I cried ALL DAY! I tried to protect my loved ones when I was the one who needed them. I called my mom that night and let her know how I really felt - scared, lost, SO SAD, and I cried to her. By the end of our conversation I felt better and like she said, "we'll get through this like we have everything else ... step by step, day by day."

I went through a lot of ups and downs over this for a couple of weeks. I'd sit holding Aiden and just cry for his loss. I couldn't imagine having a disability in an already hard world. Everytime I looked at him all I could think about was his hearing loss. It tore me up that he could not hear my voice, my songs to him, our family's laughter, music, the sounds of nature, our cat's meows ... I was scared for him. I had to keep reminding myself, he doesn't know what it is to hear, so he's not scared without it, I'm the one scared without him having it! I prayed and prayed and prayed for a miracle ... for that test to be wrong, but somehow knew deep inside, my precious baby boy was truly deaf. And while dealing with my sadness for him, I felt this huge guilt inside, constantly questioning what did I do during my pregnancy to cause this and kept wondering what I could have done differently.

After a few weeks, I started to feel more of a peace within me. My friend Jenny was huge support and helped me each day sharing a new resource (which I tucked away for when I was ready), sharing positive energy, sharing herself, and her busy time to make sure I was ok. She is amazing! Reaching out to more friends and family for prayers, love and support truly helped as well! I was happily overwhelmed with their responses and reading their emails/talking to them got me through my days and helped me realize I wasn't alone. I don't feel as guilty anymore either. Every once in awhile I still sit and wonder why, but I could drive myself crazy asking that question! Instead I focus on what I can do now ... there's no changing the past! Aiden was given to us - and I wouldn't change a thing about him! God sent me another message that reminded me how lucky I am. This was the day Aiden's hearing loss was confirmed, the day we went to hear that it was all "just fluid". When we got home, I was reading through the paper, looking at the obituaries (like I always do), and there was a newborn who passed away. His name was "Ayden Blake" and what's even more bizarre, is this precious baby was born the same day as my Aiden, March 17th, 2008. I cried for this baby's mom and said a prayer for her... again, how lucky am I!!!

I was sad for Aiden's hearing loss, but through all this, I couldn't be happier with the little boy in front of me! It's amazing the peace an 11 lb. little boy can provide! Everytime I hold him close, talk with him, sing songs to him, I know that even though he may not physically hear me, he knows my love for him, he feels it, he sees it, he senses it! They always say "actions speak louder than words" and how true that is to our world now! I am so blessed that I was given Aiden! Throughout my dad's dementia battle and taking care of him, I prayed for strength and God presented me with many obstacles, but I made it through. Was He preparing me for this? I'm guessing He believes I'm strong enough to take on Aiden's disability, and I will, head on, full force, and without a doubt, will be his strongest advocate; all while providing him with an atmosphere that he will always know how loved and special he is! I was meant to be Aiden's mommy and we will get through this - STEP BY STEP, DAY BY DAY!

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