Saturday, August 22, 2009

Shout Out to a Dear Friend

There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of my father. Not a day. They're mostly good days, when I smile about fond memories, but some of them are just down right yucky and all I want to do is sit in a corner and cry type of days. This morning I was doing the laundry, Aiden was down for a nap, and for some odd reason I just started thinking about how almost two years ago I had to make one of the hardest decisions of my lifetime ... to take my dad from his home and admit him into assisted living. It was the last thing I ever wanted to do, but he was to the point where I had no choice. We tried to have him live with us many times, we tried the full time nurse at his house, we tried and tried and tried to do what was needed to keep him living a normal of a life as possible. But the time had come ... and I hated every.single.minute of it and still do to this day.

That was October 10th, 2007. By January he had spent time in two different hospitals and three different nursing homes before we found the right one for him ... but by then it was too late. He had given up and he was dwindling away in front of my eyes. I felt so alone ... and SO guilty. How could I have let this happen to him?!? I spent one last night alone with my father, before my mother and brothers arrived from out of state. I was 8 months pregnant, and just held his hand all night long, praying and crying. praying and crying. He passed away less than 48 hours later.

That's all I could think about this morning .... and the guilt set in again. But within folding a few towels, my thoughts veered to why God gave me Aiden. It was right then that I realized that I was blessed with this deaf little boy to focus on the good and the positives and the rewards life has to offer. He gave me my sweet little boy to help me let go of that guilt, to realize life is too short to constantly wonder "what if", and most importantly, to help me let go of what my father endured and to focus on this miraculous journey my own child was about to endure. He prepared me for Aiden through my father, and with heartache comes great joy ... and Aiden is his grandpa through and through.

Right after, literally within seconds, of my crying episode and heart enlightening episode in the laundry room, I went to check my email and found this from a dear friend of mine with whom I taught back in Texas. It had JUST BEEN SENT.

"Hi Tammy,
I am so thrilled to hear that Aiden was accepted into the school of your choice with financial aid no less. Every time I check your blog and read of something so extraordinary, I can only thank God for giving you a strong character and the determination and tenacity to do everything you can for your little man. Bless your heart. I don't know why God allowed Aiden to be deaf, but I am so thankful He chose you to be his mom. You are a blessing girlfriend. I am so proud of you."

I was in tears. Sharon has always been there for me with a hug, with a positive message, with hope and belief. She is one of a few people who truly helped me stop questioning God, but to believe in Him. She always had a hug, a prayer, words of encouragement, or even agreeing with me that yes, sometimes life sucks. She has always followed Aiden's blog and has been one of my biggest supporters. She is always in the right place at the right time ... even if I'm in Maryland and she in Texas!

I emailed her back immediately explaining my episode and how her message, once again, was sent just at the right time. This is part of an email I received back:

"Tammy, I always feel so blessed when I listen to the prompting of the Holy Spirit to do something and today it was writing to you. You are a blessing to me and so many others, and I hope you never forget that. And you were certainly a blessing to your dad - no one doubts that or just how much you loved him. But with all of that, you could not change his destiny. I know the pain I had in losing my parents most especially my mom."

So here's a shout out to you my dear friend ... THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. Your words mean so much to me and I couldn't have received a better message at a better time! I am truly blessed to have you in my life!

and cheers to my dad ... an amazing son, husband, father and grandfather. We miss you so much and will never ever forget you! You'd laugh out loud at the fact that Aiden is just as stubborn as you and has that smile and blue eyes of yours that wins everyone over each and every time!


Nathan said...

Hugs to you... you're a great mom! Aiden is so lucky to have you! Your dad is smiling down on you for sure.

Nathan said...

Sorry, Tammy... that/this post is from Jen... I'm on Nate's computer. Oops!!