Saturday, October 15, 2011

A Walk Back Into Time

Tonight we found two old video cameras. Not that we didn't know where they were. 
Just didn't realize we weren't missing them until tonight.

My heart was taken back. You know, like when you hear a song on the radio
and it completely brings you back to the moment?
I was so scared.
and I didn't realize how scared I was,
until I was brought back to THOSE moments.
SO scared.
The days of trying to understand the words, 
"It's probably just fluid" to,
"Your son has profound sensorineural hearing loss" to
not realizing that what this meant was "Your son is DEAF."
The days of pre-hearing aids to
the days of hearing aids. and all the buzzing. and pilot caps.
The days I wondered and worried. 
wondered and worried and prayed. 
The days of the unknown,
clinging to every ounce of HOPE.
 HOPE he had hearing nerves.
HOPE he would be a good candidate for CIs.
HOPE one day I'd hear his laughter and he'd hear my "I love you's".
HOPE that ONE DAY he'd hear and speak.
HOPE that he would not be held back.

It brought me back to a time, not forgotten, yet left behind. 
My stomach turned, tears rolled down my face, 
as I watched myself performing AV strategies,
with a THREE month old
who probably didn't hear a word I said.
Yet, I smiled.
and cried some more,
then smiled.

Within minutes of watching, my heart dropped,
seconds later, filled with peace and happiness.
Because within those few moments of being brought back
to a time of the unknown,
it also proved to me,

every ounce of hard work. of reading book after book, of BELIEVING. of singing song after song,
and narrating every little thing I did, of working so hard to introduce as much
spoken language and listening opportunities as possible,
to our DEAF child,

made a difference.


and going back tonight, to real time
of what seems so long ago,
has made me realize, 
just how much,
just how much,
just how much,
because even with three plus years of appointment after appointment,
and still many more to come,
he continues to be one of the HAPPIEST kids I know.
and reminds me just how much this journey truly is


Right after watching the videos, I put on Aiden's pajamas,
which I always take his CIs off and he can't hear a thing.
after pjs, we usually only put on one CI,
(to verify how he's hearing with that CI alone)
and for the first time ever I asked,
"Aiden, do you want just one CI?"
and he replied,
"No mommy, two please."


Kat said...

He has come so far, and so has his amazing mommy. Every.single.time I read your blog you inspire me. Love you so much!

Lily's Mom said...

This took me back to our early days with Lily. Aiden is lucky to have such a great mommy and advocate.

Herding Grasshoppers said...

Yes! Amazing!

Emily said...

This post was so sweet. You have a great way of putting your feelings into words. ;)