Monday, June 2, 2008

Are we allowed a bad day?

Today I'm having a bad day - I just can't seem to stop crying. It may have to do with the fact that I've been up since 3:00 a.m. In fact, I haven't been sleeping good at all lately - I can't get my mind to shut off - I worry that there's something else wrong with Aiden, I worry about what needs to be done and how I'm going to get it done, I worry that my kids are almost done with school and how I'm going to manage being a good mom to all three?

Today it hit me hard - my son is deaf and I don't want him to be!!!! Of course what mom does!!!??!! I don't want to do this! I feel so overwhelmed with it all - with all the research, with all the appointments, with all the therapy, with feeling like I have to be talking to him for his therapy every minute he's awake, with wanting to know about it all now, with wanting to do something to help others ... all while still trying to be a good mom to my other kids, a good wife to my husband, and keeping our house running! I feel that guilty mom feeling if I even think about trying to fit in time for me - but I know I need to!

Today I wonder if I can do this, but I know I don't have a choice, I have to, but today, I just don't want to. I can't even type this without crying and I need to stop because my mascaras running ... and I have to be up at the school helping with my daughter's play day and my student's play day ... but before any of this I need to feed Aiden and get his hearing aids in - he needs me and I'm so scared!! It's just a bad day today! I gotta remind myself - step by step ... DAY BY DAY - I CAN do this! RIGHT?

7 comments:

Sherry said...

Tammy,

You are in our thoughts and prayers!! He is such a cute little boy!! We would be more than happy to help you out this summer if needed. Keep your chin up and just believe!!!

Leah & Sherry

Bill and Shelly said...

I remember those days and feeling the same way you do. It will not always be this hard, it will all be worth it when Aiden says "I love you, mommy" for the very 1st time.
Take any offer of help, you don't have to do this by yourself.

Laurie said...

Hello Tammy,

Thank you for your nice comments on my blog. . .

I'm sorry you are having a bad day. It is okay to have those. When I read stories like yours, it gives me a glimpse of what my parents went through when they discovered my profound hearing loss in 1959. . . and they didn't have the resources back then that you have today. . .

Remember this. . .God gave you Aiden for a reason. . . He knew that you would be the perfect parent for him and will do everything in your power to help him succeed in life. . .just like mine did. Hang in there! Aiden will do great. I'll say a prayer for you! And bookmark you so I can keep in touch!

Blessings, Laurie

Steve and Maggie said...

Tammy:

Aiden is getting so big!! Don't feel bad. Some of the feelings you are having you would have even if Aiden wouldn't be deaf. I know I did when my third was born!!! I hope you can make it to Wisconsin sometime this Summer. I would love to see Aiden in person. Steve and I will continue to pray that everything continues to go as smoothly as it has been for you.

Steve & Maggie

Sharon said...

Oh, Tammy, thank you for sharing your "bad day" and for giving others the opportunity to intercede for you and Aiden in prayer. A few days ago when I was praying and thinking about you and Aiden, it came to me how God is going to use you in a mighty way. You are not by yourself. Jesus is walking along side of you ready to carry you when it's too much for you to walk on your own two feet. Bless your heart!

Loudest Mom said...

Yes- you can do it, and you are definitely allowed bad days. Sorry, I came hear through Val's site, but your post just grabbed me. I remember those days!

-Melissa

Drew's Mom said...

You are doing a fantastic job! Everything you have done for Aiden in such a quick time frame is so wonderful! It is hard, and there are moments where we all break down. It's great that you have a place to vent and be supported.

It will all be so worth it when you hear that little boy call you "Mommy" for the first time. Just thinking about the day Drew said it for the first time brings tears back to my eyes. We were in Arby's and I think it is safe to say that everyone in the restaurant thought I was crazy for sobbing as Drew yelled "ma ma ma ma" over and over again!

Know that it's OK to feel sad or mad...these are all normal feelings. We're here for you!